When I was a little kid, the second most frustrating thing for me to hear was “you’ll find out when you’re older.” (The most being “because I said so”). Like, no mom and dad, tell me now. I want to know. I want to understand. I don’t want to be left waiting. I don’t want to be unprepared.
Things haven’t changed much since then. There is so much unpredictability in life, and that equally frustrates and terrifies me. Now more than ever it seems like I encounter an endless amount of these situations. I’m big on being in control. I like to know what’s coming so I can prepare and do whatever it is as best as I can. I guess I need to take this as I haven’t changed much since then – in that I’m still essentially a 5 year old. So that’s exciting (5 year olds have more fun anyways). But really, I think little things like this are easy ways for us to find where we are lacking and in turn work on improving ourselves. Life doesn’t let you prepare. Life is spontaneous and messy and joy-filled and scary and fun and everything in between – meaning I need to learn to roll with the punches. But that’s the whole point isn’t it? To push outside of your comfort zone and to grow and change and expand and learn and love? I think so. So that’s what I’m trying to work on.
Innumerable things in the past month alone feel to me like someone is out there playing with my emotions and dangling reassurance in front of me and then pulling it away too quickly. Sometimes I imagine myself as a cat chasing a laser pointer. Except instead of a human pointing around a laser, it’s God leaving signs for the life I should pursue. God’s a funny character; sometimes I think he enjoys watching me run around like a chicken with its head cut off. But the difference between the guy pointing the laser and God is that God will eventually let me catch the laser – He’ll show me what I need to do. So for now, I guess I’ll just keep chasing the laser like a cat or a chicken with my head cut off (or whatever metaphor you prefer) and just hope I don’t run into traffic in the process.
[If I do run into traffic, at least I won’t have to take my genetics test tomorrow.]