I Feel Like Myself Again

Today is April 12, 2017. 7 months ago was September 12, 2016. Today marks 7 months since the last time I self-harmed. Today I am 7 months clean, and today I feel happier than I have in years.

Since the end of my sophomore year of high school, I have dealt with depression and anxiety. It started out small, but it continued to grow – it began to consume me. My mental illness took over my life. I let it take over my life. I let myself be defined by a chemical imbalance in my brain. My depression was who I was, and for awhile, I was okay with that.

But not anymore. I realized that the life I was living was not a life I wanted to live. I knew I wanted and needed to change, so I did.  But change doesn’t happen overnight. I fought and am still fighting daily to take my life back from depression’s cold grasp. It was a battle every single day of me against myself. Repeatedly telling yourself that you are worthy and that you have a purpose can be exhausting, but I didn’t give up. And it is because of that work and time invested in myself that I am where I am today.

Today I am happy. Today I am me. I am no longer someone who relies on medication to keep myself sane. I am no longer the depressed kid that people worry about when they don’t hear from him in a few days. I am no longer defined by my depression. I am me. I am someone who has depression but can finally handle it in a healthy manner. 1 or 2 years ago, I never would have believed I would be where I am today. Depression is like blinders on a horse, but instead of the blocking side views, it blocks your view of the future. It distorts any hopes or aspirations, telling you that you won’t achieve your goals, and that you cannot get past it. But it is wrong. Recovery is possible. I am now someone who takes the good with the bad, knowing that things will always improve, and that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am now someone who knows that I have value. I know my worth, and I will not compromise it.


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