I Drank Too Much Coffee and Joined a Cult

Okay, the title isn’t completely accurate. But it got your attention! Now that you’re here, just humor me and keep on reading so my blog can get more views! Thx.

Story time:

A few nights ago I was planning on watching ABC Family’s (I refuse to call it ‘Freeform’ because that’s just stupid) Harry Potter weekend and was ecstatic as I am a huge HP fan. My plans were rudely interrupted when my friends decided to watch Brad Pitt’s new movie on Netflix instead (*eye roll*). Honestly, who even likes Brad Pitt anymore after he chose Angelina Jolie over Jennifer Aniston – like I’m sorry WHAT, are you crazy, Brad?

ANYWAY, because I am such a good friend who is willing to sacrifice for the sake of the group and keeping the peace, I was kind enough to watch this movie with them instead of HP (it’s moments like these that remind me how great I am). But knowing that I was kind of tired and wouldn’t be as interested as if I were watching Harry Potter, I decided to make coffee. This first cup kept me awake during the movie, but I had already made a whole pot. And I am definitely not the kind of person to waste 4 cups of coffee by dumping them down the drain. Alas, soon enough it was 1 AM and I was 5 cups of caffeinated goodness and was incapable of falling asleep.

Naturally, my first instinct is look at Netflix documentaries to put me to sleep. I wasn’t in the mood to watch anything about nature or mass incarceration or minimalism (these seem to be the popular categories as of late), and finally one peeked my interest entitled “Holy Hell.” It sounded just creepy enough without being terrifying and dark, so I figured I’d give it a go.

This documentary is about a group that started in California known as “the Buddhafield.” It was described early on as an “alternative community and meditative group” with people who wanted to achieve enlightenment of sorts through prayer and yoga and whole bunch of other stuff. But, obviously, the documentary was about a cult, so I was just waiting for it to turn while silently judging all these stupid people for joining a cult. Like who does that? How do you even go about joining a cult? The world may never know.

Anywho, I’m about 30 minutes in when I start to think to myself “Oh, wow that makes sense” or “I like that, that was interesting.” This continued for the next few minutes before I caught myself – HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOW PEOPLE JOIN A CULT. Not 30 minutes after thinking to myself, “People are so dumb, why would you join a cult?” I began to agree with everything said by the leader of this group and suddenly I understood. So I think I accidentally joined a cult SOS. I am unsure as of now if the cult knows I am now among its ranks, and I prefer my membership remains secret so I can escape. Maybe they already know – are they watching me right now?

But then I went to sleep and woke up the next morning just fine and have yet to be contacted by any member of the Buddhafield, so I may be in the clear. Also, as I continued watching the documentary (WHY DID I KEEP WATCHING?), I learned that the group has slowly started to dwindle and fall apart, so I think I’m safe.

But still, be warned, joining a cult is easier than you think. I’m one of the lucky ones who made it out alive. #blessed

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